Welcome To The China Club

.............................................................................................China, the source of Eastern civilization and culture, the bastard child of Communism and Capitalism, a modern day economic revolution. With the Olympics one year away, (they are literally counting down the seconds), the Chinese are readying themselves for a showcase to the world. Three and a half weeks is a short time to even begin to unpeel this onion, but here goes. -Chinese sit in very small chairs -Chinese babies don't wear diapers, they just have slits in the back of their pants so the "accident" occurs on the street, bus, lobby, but not in the pants. -Chinese will eat anything -Chinese talk real, real loud -Chinese make lots of bodily noises, a symphony of belches, farts, snorting, and spitting. -The hard seat car isn't all that hard, but the back is uncomfortably vertical. -Very few Chinese speak English, but they love to yell, "Hello!", and then giggle. -There are lots of hunched over little old ladies. -Chinese people can sleep anywhere, at anytime, and do. -In the most beautiful, serene wilderness areas or parks, they will set up loudspeakers and blair horrid Chinese pop songs. -They have one love song that plays everywhere, including my head, even a month later. -Mohawks are in this year. -Smoke anywhere you want, go ahead, lite up. -They HATE coach Van Gundy. -If you get hot, just pull up your shirt man, air out the buddah. -Internet is dodgy, till you find the gaming lounges, which are fast and cheap($0.5/hour) and full of Chinese video addict zombies. -Lots of bad teeth and hairy moles. -the smells, oh the smells. -squat toilets baby, but at least they have a flush, unlike the bucket procedure in Laos, BUT no partitions, which is great for socializing! -Give a Chinese hiker an echo, and they will abuse it. OK OK, its cool but enough hollering! -Tai chi in the morn'n. -Construction everywhere, 24/7. Bamboo scaffolding is my favorite. -Pollution gives you head aches. -Chinese are generally kind of pushy and touchy feely. -They hate the sun like Dracula, more umbrellas in good weather than in bad. -Chines soap operas kick ass, very dramatic and cool soundtracks! Beijing On my last day in town, I was looking for an Internet cafe, one that wasn't closed for "Golden Week" , one of three holidays the Chinese get per year. The one at the hostel was closed, but I had been given some bad directions by the people at the desk, so was wondering around, probably looking a bit lost. That's when a crazy man hailed me, "Hey! You look lost buddy!" I look over to witness a older man, bald, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and construction boots, slumped at a rickety street side table, grinning maniacally at me. I said I was fine, but he beckoned me over. I was annoyed at his obnoxious tone and didn't want to back down, so I went over to him. With a wild look in his eye, Anthony introduced himself, I noticed many empty beer bottles in front of him, he was having a good breakfast. "Sit down, have a pot sticker!" He hollered for more pot stickers, and another beer in fluent Mandarin as I uneasily took a seat. Anthony was the spitting image of a starving, drunk, Humphrey Bogart, with a huge forehead, buck teeth, and gleaming eyes. He spoke with authority and conviction, he commanded attention. "You know, your a prime target for being taken advantage of." "Really?" I say, looking at myself as if I had a sign on my back, "You don't say?" "Well, you just walked by me three times in three minutes man, you have to think like a criminal to catch a criminal." I was quickly realizing how full of shit this hombre was, but he was entertaining. It turns out Anthony was from Holland, but had lived in Seattle for 14 years, and he was laying the advice down man. "Always look like you know where your going." and "Always eat, when you drink! Promise me that!" Then he exclaimed, "Would you rather have your leg, or your dick cut off?!" I thought for a bit, then replied my leg, knowing a lecture was coming. "WRONG!" Anthony joyfully declared. "Look!" To my utter dismay, this raving lunatic kicked back his chair and danced a little jig with a look of nirvana on his face. "Life is good! I live for $1 a day!" Then, as quickly as he had jumped up, his look darkened, and he scowled, making a violent slashing gesture at his crotch with his hand. "This here, means nothing, you have to enjoy the moment! In the end, this don't mean a thing!" I objected, having now had a few glasses of the Beijing Beer myself, and raised the issue of it being easy for him to say at his age, but I'm thinking I could dance just about as fine with a prosthetic leg, "...they are doing wonders with those things no-a-days!", I say. Anthony gets angry. "You know Ethan, and you can tell me to screw off, but in my opinion, your just fuckin around man. You need to get your ass out to Lhasa, its a whole different country. You'll see some stuff out there, that's just demonic!" I said I was actually thinking about it. "Great! Lets go get you a ticket right now!" He jumped up, a look of purpose on his face. "I know a good travel agent right down the street!" I regretfully informed him I had already booked my train to Xi an, but could head on from there. "Hey, want to see my place! Its great, a real shack, I pay $10 a month for it!" I probably looked dubious. "Don't worry Ethan, I don't have a homosexual tendency in my body." This is where the scam starts I was thinking. Then he declared, as if it had just occurred to him, "I have a WIFE! She's right in there!" He pointed in the dilapidated restaurant we were standing in front of. I politely declined, "I'm sure its quite nice." "No it isn't, its a hovel, it barely is room enough for a bed, but its all me and the misses need!", he said with a wink. I would have bet any amount of money that there was no misses Anthony, but then a Chinese woman emerged from the dark entry of the eatery, with a look of exasperation. "Here she is! Hey honey, this is Ethan, he's traveling the world, he's fucking around!" I smiled in agreement, we shook hands. I asked how long they had been married. "One wonderful year, hasn't it been honey?" The woman was shaking her head. "Actually, I was looking for an Internet place." I said. The wife said she new of one just around the block, real cheap. Anthony burst out that he would take me there! I said fine, and he led me down a narrow alley of shanty houses and clothes lines. "This, is REAL China." Anthony whispered, rubbing his hands together. We passed a couple guys playing cards in a door stoop, Anthony stopped to talk some kind of shit to them in Mandarin, he turned back to me giggling, but the two Chinese were not laughing. We round a sharp corner and come to a dead end. "This is our place! Now where's my key?" As Anthony fumbled through his shorts, I peeked into the window of the shack before me, sure enough, it was completely filled with a dirty mattrice. "This is all you need Ethan, no running water, no toilet, but it's shelter and cheap and I have no worries!" He danced another jig. That's when the wife ran up, very angry. "Why do you cause trouble?", she said. "Those are not good men, don't bother them!" Apparently, she had followed us down the alley. "She's just embarrassed by our place." Anthony said, but then mouthed to me never to get married. Anthony hugged his wife of one year, was hit with a revelation, "Internet!" he blurted, and we went and checked email.

Shaolin Shadow Boxing, and the Wu Tang Sword Style

American Kung Fu, yes, I am a legend in my own time. Ok, maybe not, but I did learn one move.

I decided after all the site seeing I had done in Beijing, that a more hands on experience was in order, and had read about the Shaolin Monks and their temple set in the holy Song Shan, the mountains at the center of the Taoist world. The opportunity to get some exercise and meet some monks seemed like a good idea, plus it was on the way to Xi an. I barely made my train from Beijing, mainly because my cab driver got lost! I got safely into my assigned seat after much negotiation with the people who had stolen it, and we were off, my first train in China. I had heard a lot of grim stories about the transportation in China, especially regarding the dreaded "hard seat" trains. I found the hard seat to not be bad at all, if fact, it was quite soft. The only problem was that the backs of the bench seats, pairs facing each other over a table, were uncomfortably vertical, no slouching in the Republic! I sat next to a older gentlemen who was a chain smoker, and insisted on me joining him in his habit, no matter how many times the conductor scolded us. (your supposed to smoke in-between cars). We kind of became friends, even though we couldn't communicate at all. After an 8 hour journey, we arrived in Zhengzhou, a huge city, and I disembarked. Across from the train station I found the bus station, and with some confusion, finally found a bus going to Shaolin land, another 2 hours. It was late by the time I arrived in Dengfeng, and I found a hotel for the night. The next day, I had a driver come pick me up at the hotel, and he could speak a little English. When I told him that I intended to stay a night or two at a kung fu school, he got real excited, and said he new of a good one, the one he had trained at for three years, very good. I eyed his rather round physic, and thought to myself that this might be a mistake as I agreed to have him take me there. We soon arrived at the gated complex of bleak white brick buildings with light blue tile trim and wooden eaves, just outside of town. The place seemed deserted and bleak as my spherical friend led me inside the main building, where the head master's office was. The master dojo was also a stocky man of about 40, with a shaved head and long robes on, he didn't speak a word of English. My taxi driver acted as translator as we negotiated a price for two days, training, room, and board. We settled at 400Y, and I was shown to my own room by Mr. Lee, the facility man I gathered. My room was quite nice, had a TV, a fan, and my own shower. No toilet however. I was not really told anything else and the driver took off. I was kind of at a loss till a German dude named Felix poked his head in the door. Felix spoke pretty good English, and I learned he had been training there for the past 8 months, while he was on break before starting University. Felix was the only other westerner there, but told me that every once in a while someone like myself would come by for a few days. He assured me that he also had had zero kung fu skills when he arrived, and that he thought I would probably not be sparring, just taking part in the drills and exercise regimen. I found this to be reassuring. It was Felix's last day, he was going home the next day, so was not taking part in the drills for the day, busy packing up his stuff. He bid me adieu as the drills were starting out in the courtyard. There were approximately 500 students at the school, between the ages of 8 and 14, and they all trotted out from where ever they had been hiding in their green and yellow uniforms for a military-esk role call. Then they broke into smaller groups of about 14 to do drills ranging from running lines, lifting weights, or crab waling up the stairs of the dam. I then watched in horror as these small children went through some of the most physically demanding, drop jaw amazing series of exercises I've ever seen. The group right in front of my window were doing a drill where on student would jump into a somersault while another student would jump over in the other direction, landing into a somersault of their own, all on cobblestone mind you! I stood frozen in my doorway in awe, trying to determine if I could do a somersault period.

After the two hour mid morning session was over, everyone broke for lunch. Felix came and led me to the cafeteria. The lunch was actually very hearty and substantial, consisting of rice and some kind of meat. We grabbed a table with a gangly kid who was sitting by himself. My German friend introduced Frank, a Chinese kid, having been born in Shanghai, but when he was five years old his family had immigrated to Finland, where he had learned English as a third language. He was now 12 years old, and back in China to learn kung fu, and my hunch was he was here to gain some confidence. Frank was a nerdy kid, lets face it. He would look at you with a serious, questioning, cross eyed face. I can't tell you how relieved I was to be able to speak English, after just a few days of struggling to communicate. This relief was short lived, as I soon realized that my buddy Frank had quite a severe studder, which along with his Scandinavian accent, posed an entirely different set of communication hurdles. Frank and I would have every meal together, and he would become my best friend and interpreter at the school, especially after Felix left the next morning. The irony of this situation was not lost on me, but Frank was undaunted and so enthusiastic to ask questions and express very thoughtful observations, we tended to have conversations that would last throughout lunch, and not end till we had ventured into the courtyard and were late for our next lesson. Frank would ask me in a very serious tone, whether I liked Michael Jackson or not. When I said he was OK, he would then follow up with solemnly stating that he did too, but thought that the king of pop was very ugly. I agreed. Frank also though the United States was a very good country, and was eager to hear all about it. I found Frank to have a unique take on the world at such a young age, and we would get into philosophical discussions about politics, the war, and china, only to be stopped abruptly by being hung up on one word that Frank either couldn't say, or would say in a way that I couldn't understand. At each of these meals, we would be joined by the only two girls at the school, both about 14 years old it seemed. They always stuck together, and it seemed their arrangement at the school included them having to do the dishes for the boys in exchange for training with them. They had tough skins. The cute one insisted on serving me my gruel each meal, but was too shy to say anything. Her stocky friend was a little more communicative, although seemed annoyed by my presence. I soon realized that we were this misfit table, reminded me of highschool.

About 2pm it was finally time for my first lesson. After the military role call, we broke into groups. I was in the group of youngest kids, and we went around to the front courtyard to start with some running. To say that I stood out is an understatement of immense proportions. I towered above my classmates, and with blond hair, blue eyes, but donning the same uniform, it must have looked absurd. The kids were all excited to have me with them however, and tried to help me out all they could. We had two instructors who wore gray monk outfits, baggy but tied off with black bands just below the knee, wrapping down the calf, allowing for quick kicking movements. Kind of like traditional baseball uniforms. One instructor was taller and older looking. He generally played the bad cop, while the other shorter one was always smiling and laughing. After we had warmed up, we did a series of stretches. THE STRETCHING! Using the wall or the trunk of a small tree, we worked our hamstrings till it seemed they would burst, ballerina style. Our helpful instructors would come around and correct our form, or give the nudge that would get us just a bit further into the pain threshold. When we collapsed or yelled in pain, they would show us up by throwing their foot behold their head! I was their favorite target for example making. After this, we got in lines for kicking drills. It was pretty easy for me to play follow the leader, even though my kicks were crap. Then I was pulled aside with the hopelessly obese kid, and worked more on stretching while all the other competent kids did these flip things that they would walk into. If I had any ego left at that point, it was dashed, it was clear where my place was. When the bell rang, I was thankful that the session was over, but soon found out that it was merely time to change our station. Up next, weight lifting! We moved to the back courtyard, each carrying these concrete blocks with handles cast into them. I could only guess what these were for! We got into formation, and did a series of exercises lifting these things, tossing them in the air with one hand, and catching them with the other hand, which really worked the deltoids, shoulders, and forearms. I was doing pretty will with this, even though they gave me a block twice the size of everyone elses! Wait a minute, these were 9 year olds I'm comparing myself too, mutant freak 9 year olds, but kids all the same. Thing got a little more tricky after that. We started having to catch the blocks on top of a clenched fist and balance it on our knuckles, or catch it on top of our elbow, and hold our arms straight out till our shoulders gave out. As breaks between sets, we ran lines and did push ups on fists on the cobblestones. I was soon bleeding, but this was something I could do, just keep me away from flips. Finally, lesson one was over. I ended up hanging out with this incredibly curious kid and Felix in my room, showing pictures on my camera, trying to communicate. These kids were the greatest, so courageous in coming up to a stranger and trying to communicate. Felix basically described the place as a boot camp, military school for the kids whose families couldn't afford to send them to a real school. Their regimen was incredible! They start at 6am, and end at 11pm every day, all year. They train for two-three hours at a time, then have 2 hour breaks for meals and studies. They learn some math and a little English, although Felix described the classes as being a joke. I seriously contemplated staying there for a long time. I had dinner with Frank the the two girls again, Felix was missing. (turns out he was having some beers with his instructor). It was getting around 8pm at that point, and I just figured we were done. I took a stroll out to the dam to watch the end of great sunset, watching some locals down at the waters edge fishing, the majestic mountains in the background. Going back to my room, I took a shower and got into bed. That's when the night drill started! Some kids from my group came to my door, thinking I was just being lazy. I jumped up and said I'd be right out, even though they couldn't understand a word. I ran out to join the formation jogging around in circles like a flock of bees. Then we did punching drills. We basically would do three punches into the air on verbal cues from our instructors. Our fist were to start in a palm up position, and rotate to a palm down position with each puch, adding the velocity of twisting to each thrust. With each punch we were to exhale, which when done in unison, created an impressive sound. I was messing up that point, and pulled in front as an example. Now I would have figured that I could punch the air forever, but I soon was getting exhausted. The other thing I was getting all wrong, was that with both punches, we were supposed to be hitting the same imaginary target, not just punching wildly. After a while, I was once again pulled aside, but this time it was to learn my first move! I don't know what it was called, but it was pretty cool, and very difficult. Thats when Felix returned. We broke early, and we followed him into the caffeteria, where my group all sang a song for him, as a fairwell. It was incredibly touching. Felix then started throughing out these candies that he had brought with him. I was impressed at the connection they all had, and honestly a bit envious. More thoughts of staying on longer.....

Then next day, I woke up early to go through the same routine, sans Felix who had left early in the morning. I soon found that I was cramping up, and by the end of the day, I could barely walk. This quelled any crazy thoughts of staying on, my 30 year old body just couldn't take the abuse! So I said goodbye to my instructors, and the head master, and left the school. It was an incredible experience, the best of china.

http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/Beijing http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/ShaolinKungFu http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/LongmenCaves http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/XiAn http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/YangtzeRiver http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/Wuhan http://picasaweb.google.com/ethan.ahlberg/Yangshuo